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Talking About Coercion and Exploitation

Writer's picture: Jo PhillipsJo Phillips

One thing I speak with kids about is what coercion looks like. It's so subtle and deliberate, and happens so incrementally you feel like you participated in the decision.


This is a HARD thing to recognize! Most adults I know don't recognize when it's happening to them or if they're doing it.


My case in point:

I met a guy online. He was nice. We were on the same page about a lot of things. Good sense of humour, similar values, easy conversation.


He slipped in his sexual preferences in early and then quickly moved to lighten the tone. I ignored it, and continued the conversation. And then he did it again.


This time I told him I don't engage in that type of conversation over text, especially with someone I don't know or trust. I set my boundary clearly.


He recognized, apologized, and we talked some more. This conversation was hours long. And as my comfort level upped, he'd slide in less blatant comments or questions. This is what coercion looks like.


Pretending to respect boundaries. Extending conversations. Testing the boundary. Moving the line a bit. Backing off and upping comfort. Testing the boundary.


I'm 49. I work in this area. I recognize this for what it is. But it gave me even more understanding about how easy it is for peer-to-peer sharing to happen, and for grooming and exploitation of kids who have had all the lessons, to still be a problem.


I don't think this guy thinks anything he said or did was wrong. But it was. We have to help our kids understand what this looks like so they don't blame themselves when someone is successful in shifting their no to a yes.


And we have to make sure that if they've gotten to a yes and are scared, they can come to us.


And we WILL NOT SAY "What were you thinking?" We WILL SAY "This is not your fault. You're a kid. I'll help you."


If you haven't already, visit cybertip.ca for resources and support on sexual exploitation, grooming, and sextortion. Become informed. But don't use this information to scare your kids. Scaring your kids doesn't stop this from happening - it is more likely that it will make them keep it a secret if someone goes sideways with them, because they'll believe they should have known better.


Making sure your kids know they can run - RUN - to you is one of the best protective things you can do. Because "no means no" isn't as easy as it sounds.


a Caucasian hand holding a smart phone with the word "no" in the centre.
No means no isn't as easy as it sounds.

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